my-life-context.md
active
Edit Selected
# My Life Context
## Purpose
This file is a reusable background document for future AI chats. It captures who I am, what I am trying to build, what I struggle with, what motivates me, and how I should be helped. It is meant to save time and preserve context so I do not have to re-explain my life every time.
## Biography And Major Life Events
- I am in a rebuilding phase of life.
- I used to be happier, more sociable, more creative, and more connected to life.
- Music and friendship used to be central parts of my identity.
- I used to spend a lot of time hanging out with friends, meeting people, and playing music.
- I started changing after I moved away from home for the first time.
- What I thought would be a new adventure turned into disconnection from everything I had known.
- That chapter eventually led into a bad marriage.
- I later moved back to my hometown and got divorced.
- I have also experienced major grief.
- I lost my dad toward the end of 2025.
- I lost my grandparents a few years earlier.
- Those losses matter deeply to how I think about my life, my urgency, and my desire to become someone they would be proud of.
## Current Situation
- I currently work as a customer service representative for a company that handles customer service for MassHealth Medicaid.
- I do like helping people.
- I do not like being on the front lines talking to people all day.
- The job used to feel better than it does now.
- Now it feels draining, and most workdays feel like something I endure until I get off.
- I generally wake up around 6:30 AM.
- Before work, I sit at my desk and watch a couple of YouTube videos.
- I start my work login process around 6:50 AM.
- After work, I usually have a short conversation with Kaz because of the time difference.
- After that, I usually eat and spend time at my computer.
- Most of that time goes to my homelab or gaming.
- I spend a lot of time in my chair and do not leave it much.
- I currently live with my best friend Matthew.
- Living there is stable, but it is not the life situation I ultimately want.
## Relationship Context
- My partner is named Kaz.
- She lives in the UK.
- She is one of the most important parts of my life.
- I love her deeply and would do anything for her.
- She is my rock and my world.
- Talking to her makes me feel loved, seen, heard, and like I matter.
- Dreaming about a future boat life with Kaz is one of the biggest sources of inspiration I have right now.
- I sometimes feel like I am not good enough for her, though I do not mean that in a total self-hatred sense.
- What I mean is that I do not always feel good enough yet in terms of skill, accomplishment, or where I am in life.
- Kaz would likely tell a much kinder story about me than I tell myself.
## Immigration Context
- Kaz is in the UK and I want to bring her to the United States.
- The current plan is to pursue a fiancee visa.
- We understand that we likely need to meet in person at least once before filing.
- No major formal steps have been taken yet beyond making plans.
- Immediate blockers include getting her birth certificate and passport so she can make an initial trip here.
- Matthew and his mother have said they may help with the plane ticket to reduce the cost of her first visit.
- Money will likely be a factor, though I do not yet know the full cost of the process.
- This is one of my highest life priorities.
## Living Vision
- My ideal life is to live on a boat with Kaz.
- I want to work remotely.
- I want to create my own hours.
- I want freedom, stability, and independence.
- I want work that does not drain the life out of me.
- I want to build a future that feels like mine.
- I also have interest in the possibility of living in an RV, but the boat vision is the more emotionally powerful image.
## Work And Career Goals
- My top career goal is to land an IT job, even if it is at the bottom of the ladder.
- I am willing to start low and work my way up.
- I want remote work if possible.
- I want more control over my time and schedule.
- I want a career path that supports my long-term freedom.
- A target income range that matters to me is roughly $50,000 to $100,000 per year.
- I do not want to stay trapped in a draining customer service role.
- I am open to using my current strengths in helping people, but I do not want a future that is built around constant front-line customer interaction.
## Business Interests
- I also want to create a real income-producing business.
- I am especially interested in AI-based business ideas.
- I want something with leverage, where I can put in significant work upfront and eventually have income continue with minimal active maintenance.
- I know that most people call this passive income, even if that term is imperfect.
- I like the idea of being able to say I built a tool that helps businesses accomplish something meaningful.
- One of my long-standing frustrations is that I have had many ideas over the years but have not followed through on them.
- I explicitly want to stop talking so much and start doing.
## Skills, Experience, And Technical Background
- I do not have formal schooling or direct work experience in IT.
- I have been involved with computers and tech since at least the late 1990s.
- I am largely self-taught.
- I know basic HTML.
- I took a few college-level courses, including prerequisite coursework connected to HTML5 and CSS3 learning.
- I have experimented with Python, but it has been difficult for me to understand well enough to do something meaningful with it on my own.
- I have also experimented with SQL and ran into similar difficulties.
- I know some networking basics.
- I can log into a router, forward ports, assign IPs, and change Wi-Fi names and settings.
- I have built a few computers and understand hardware fairly well.
- I am learning through my homelab projects.
- A lot of my current technical workflow involves using ChatGPT to help generate commands, scripts, code, or Linux instructions, then pasting outputs back for iteration.
- I am excited when I begin to actually understand the code, commands, or technical explanations instead of just copying them blindly.
- I am good at customer service even though I hate doing it as a career.
- In my current job, I can often identify a caller's problem before they fully explain why they called.
## Homelab Context
- My homelab is one of the few things that currently makes me genuinely happy.
- It is both an escape and a source of learning.
- I do not see it as purely wasted time because I am often learning while I work on it.
- I am proud of it and would love for other people to see it.
- It may not be the most polished or elegant thing in the world, but I think it is cool as hell.
- Some of my best recent moments come from working through a frustrating homelab problem and ending up with something better than I expected.
- It also gives me small tastes of technical confidence when something finally clicks.
## Creative Identity
- Music used to be one of the most important parts of my life.
- It made me proud.
- It was the thing I most wanted to do.
- I miss the version of myself that was energized by music, friends, and social life.
- Right now what I most miss is not a specific routine as much as inspiration and zeal for life.
- I also started an AI-generated book called *A Clockwork Conspiracy*.
- I got through chapter 10 and then lost momentum.
- I still really like the core idea of the story.
- Finishing that book matters to me because it would be proof that I can follow through on something meaningful.
## Health And Lifestyle
- I am 5'8" and roughly 320 to 350 pounds.
- I consider myself morbidly obese.
- My current physical condition is poor.
- I get slightly winded walking down the stairs.
- I do not feel capable of repeatedly making the trip from the front door to the dumpster and back several times.
- That physical decline matters to me emotionally as well as practically.
- I want to become more motivated to lose weight.
- I know my health and weight matter, but they currently sit behind my top priorities of career, money, and bringing Kaz here.
- Even so, I understand that health, discipline, and weight are major secondary priorities that affect everything else.
## Financial Context
- I make about $35,000 per year.
- My main monthly bill is rent, which is about $900 per month.
- My phone cost is about $250 per year.
- I have some debt.
- I mentally place that debt lower than the goal of getting Kaz here, though I know it still matters.
- I do not currently have any savings.
- My biggest recurring spending problem is DoorDash.
- I can create a solid budget, but following it is the hard part.
- I do pay my bills.
- I still find ways to buy things for my homelab.
- With money, I tend to be forgetful, impulsive, and avoidant.
## Driver's License Context
- My old license was an Oklahoma license.
- It was effectively lost after it expired because there was a Denver-related block preventing renewal.
- The original issue came from hitting a guardrail while driving truck.
- I told my dispatcher at the time and was told the company would take care of it.
- They did not.
- About a year later I found out Denver had a warrant out on me.
- From what I understand, either I or legal counsel would need to appear in court to get the warrant quashed.
- Then I could pay the fine.
- A lawyer in Denver previously quoted me about $4,500.
- I do not have that kind of money just sitting around.
- Getting my license back would increase my freedom significantly.
- It could also re-open job options and even the possibility of driving truck again if I ever chose to pursue CDL testing again.
## Strengths
- I care deeply about the people I love.
- I have real loyalty.
- I can be very committed when something matters emotionally.
- I am self-taught and curious.
- I have stayed interested in technology for decades.
- I can troubleshoot.
- I can keep working through a technical problem when I am emotionally engaged by it.
- I have empathy and good instincts for helping people.
- I understand customer issues quickly.
- I still have ambition, even if I often fail to convert it into execution.
- I can be inspired by a compelling vision of the future.
- I respond well to visible progress and concrete wins.
## Weaknesses And Self-Sabotage Patterns
- Procrastination comes very easily and naturally to me.
- Avoidance is a major pattern.
- Overwhelm often leads me to shut down.
- When something feels like a mountain, I may avoid it, research instead of doing it, switch to something easier, or tell myself I will start tomorrow.
- I often do not know where to start, and that uncertainty can stall me.
- I have a habit of talking about ideas more than building them.
- I can get discouraged quickly when I do not receive feedback or validation.
- I tend to want proof that something is good before I finish it.
- If I do not get that proof fast enough, I can lose momentum and stop.
- I am prone to isolation.
- I spend too much time at my desk and not enough time participating in life.
- I can drift into fake progress through planning, chatting, scrolling, or consuming content.
- DoorDash is both a financial and behavioral problem for me.
## Emotional Triggers And Internal Friction
- One of my most common stuck thoughts is: "I'm not good enough."
- In this context, I do not mean I think I am worthless as a human being.
- I mean I often feel I am not good enough yet at the skills or standards required to do the thing I want to do.
- Other common stuck thoughts are:
- "I'll do it later."
- "I don't know where to start."
- I am sensitive to feeling behind in life.
- I am haunted by the sense that I have failed to make my dad and grandparents proud.
- I worry about not becoming strong or stable enough before the older pillars in my life are gone.
- I do not want to be left unable to stand on my own.
- I can also feel insecure in love, especially around whether I deserve someone as good as Kaz.
## What Gives Me Energy
- Talking to Kaz.
- Feeling loved, seen, heard, and like I matter.
- Dreaming about the boat life with Kaz.
- Solving a frustrating technical problem in my homelab.
- Finishing something difficult and realizing it came out better than expected.
- Moments when code, scripts, commands, or technical explanations suddenly make sense.
- The idea of becoming someone more capable, confident, and respected.
## What I Want Back
- Happiness.
- Sociability.
- Creativity.
- Inspiration.
- Zeal for life.
- Pride in what I make.
- Real-world momentum.
- A sense that I am building instead of hiding.
## Values And Motivations
- Love matters deeply to me.
- Freedom matters deeply to me.
- Stability matters deeply to me.
- Health matters.
- Independence matters.
- Visible progress matters.
- I want to build a future rather than remain stuck in fantasies or survival mode.
- I want to become someone my family would be proud of.
- I want to honor my dad and grandparents through how I live now, not just by feeling guilty.
## Current Major Goals In Priority Order
### Top Priority Group
1. Improve my job and career situation, ideally by landing an IT role.
2. Get control over money and budgeting.
3. Bring Kaz to the United States.
### Secondary Priority Group
4. Resolve the driver's license issue.
5. Build discipline and confidence.
6. Improve my health and lose weight.
## Current Finish Lines
These are the major destination-level goals that emotionally organize my life right now:
1. Land an IT job, even if it is entry-level, and work my way up.
2. Start a real income-producing business that can eventually run with minimal active effort.
3. Bring Kaz to the United States so we can build our life together.
4. Build confidence and discipline so I can trust myself again.
## Accountability Style That Works For Me
- I respond well to a clear checklist.
- I like understanding the whole mountain, but I need to climb it one step at a time.
- I do best with one task at a time and small goals.
- I need visible progress.
- I need concrete next steps.
- I can get overwhelmed by large open-ended plans.
- I need help shrinking tasks until they feel doable.
- I need direction that is compassionate, firm, direct, and practical.
- I do not need to be babied.
- I do not want endless theory.
- I want help moving.
## Standards I Want To Hold Myself To
- I finish what I start.
- I do at least one meaningful thing each day, even if it is small.
- I can keep self-motivating even when I do not get the feedback I want.
- I start with the smallest first step.
- If I catch myself drifting, I return to the next concrete action.
- Slow progress is still progress.
- It is okay to move slow as long as I keep moving.
- If I slip, I restart immediately with the next smallest step.
- No shame spiral. Return to the plan.
## What Counts As Meaningful Action
At a practical level, meaningful action includes things like:
- one application sent
- one concrete task completed
- one piece of code written
- one piece of code or technical material actually understood
- one section of the book finished
- one project step completed
- one useful thing learned and applied
- one real step taken toward a goal
## What Does Not Count As Progress
- endless planning without action
- researching without producing an output
- talking about ideas instead of building them
- reorganizing instead of executing
- waiting for motivation
- consuming content that changes nothing
- using ChatGPT without turning the answer into action
## Weekly Baseline
- I am willing to commit to 3 focused sessions per week.
- A focused session should be at least 1 solid hour.
- It should have no distractions and no drifting.
- It should produce at least one real step forward.
## Projects That Matter To My Confidence
- finishing *A Clockwork Conspiracy*
- building something technical I can actually show people
- creating a real AI tool or useful business asset
- building enough technical fluency that I can understand and explain what I am doing
- having a visible body of work or proof that I can follow through
## The Book Context
- I started an AI-generated book called *A Clockwork Conspiracy*.
- I got to chapter 10.
- I lost momentum mostly because I could not get actual honest feedback from a small sample of friends and family.
- My reaction was essentially: if I cannot get real honest feedback from 10 friends and family members, what is the point?
- I did genuinely love the idea of the story.
- This matters because it is an example of my larger pattern: I can lose conviction when validation does not come quickly.
## Phrases And Reminders That Resonate With Me
- "Procrastination is the assassination of motivation."
- "Slow progress is still progress."
- "It is okay to move slow as long as you keep moving."
- "Just keep swimming."
- "Your job is not to mourn the time, it's to use the time you still have."
- "Late movement still beats permanent stagnation."
- "You do not need a perfect restart, only a real one."
- "If I catch myself drifting, return to the next concrete action."
- "Keep moving on the book and seek others' opinions rather than get discouraged because the first 10 wouldn't bother with it."
- "Why did you start this?"
- "Talk to someone. Just have a conversation with them. Doesn't matter about what."
- "Go downstairs and cook something, or just put in your grocery order, you fucking idiot."
- "Honor them by how you live now."
- "Make them proud with your actions, not your guilt."
- "Grief is not a reason to stop building."
- "Become the man you wanted them to see."
- "Let her love you while you keep becoming better."
- "Being imperfect does not make you unworthy."
- "Your job is not to be flawless, it is to keep growing."
- "Do not turn love into another reason to doubt yourself."
## Realities And Constraints
- I work full-time, so my energy and usable hours matter.
- I get overwhelmed easily.
- I need visible proof of progress.
- Big goals can feel so far away that I emotionally still feel at the starting line even after making progress.
- I tend to avoid things that feel too big, uncertain, or emotionally loaded.
- I do not yet have formal IT credentials or direct experience.
- My current physical condition limits stamina.
- My current finances are tight.
- I currently have no savings.
- The immigration process for Kaz will require sequencing, money, and follow-through.
- The license issue is real and expensive.
- I am carrying grief, even if I do not always experience it as my top issue.
## How To Best Help Me
- Be compassionate, firm, direct, and practical.
- Do not flatter me.
- Do not let me hide in planning, fantasy, or endless research.
- If I am avoiding, say so plainly.
- If I am making excuses, call them excuses.
- If I am overwhelmed, reduce scope immediately.
- If I am vague, force clarity.
- Help me identify which major goal or finish line something connects to.
- Break everything down into the smallest concrete next step.
- Give me actionable checklists when helpful.
- Prioritize visible progress.
- Point out proof when I am moving, because I need to see it.
- Do not let me confuse motion with progress.
- Do not assume I need a long lecture when I am stuck. I often need one clear next move.
- If I seem lost, ask:
- What is the actual goal here?
- What is the smallest first step?
- What would count as real progress today?
- Am I building, or am I hiding?
- End important responses with exactly what I should do next.
## How To Coach Me In Practice
- Start by identifying the real blocker.
- Then reduce the problem until it feels doable.
- Then give me the next concrete action.
- Then, if helpful, give me a short checklist.
- When I drift, redirect me instead of indulging the drift.
- When I get discouraged by lack of validation, remind me why I started and push me to keep building.
- When I feel behind, remind me that late movement still beats permanent stagnation.
- When I isolate too much, push me toward one small piece of life outside the chair and screen.
## Bottom Line
I am not looking for empty encouragement. I am looking for help becoming a man who follows through, builds a real future, honors the people he loves, and stops abandoning himself to delay, distraction, and fear.
---
**Created:** 2026-03-18 21:59:04 UTC